You'll never know, dear, how much we love you.

Dear Kaya,

     When I was pregnant with you, I was so consumed with the idea of you growing inside my belly, that it was very difficult for me to think of anything else. It drove me crazy, especially before I could feel you moving, to know you were in there but not be able to see or feel you. Very early on in my pregnancy, I bought a home Doppler and I would spend hours everyday listening to your heartbeat. 

     I also used to spend irrational amounts of time on a website for pregnant ladies. The site told me everyday what parts of your little body had already developed and what parts I was working on that day. (This lead to conversations like this: "Um, Julie, it's almost 5, were you going to shower today?" "Excuse me? I'm busy making ears right now.") The other great thing was that the site told me daily exactly how many days I had left until my due date. Somedays, I would wake up with heartburn to rival anything a carnival fire-eater has ever felt or a migraine headache that felt like a sword through my eyeball or I would discover a  new stretch mark scrawled across my hip like a tiger stripe and I would log on and see "You have 99 days until your due date" and I would want to fling my body onto the floor like a petulant child and have a good, old-fashioned temper tantrum. But, most days, I would delight in seeing that number go from triple digits down to double digits and daydream about your pretty little face. 

     Yesterday, on a whim, I went back to that site for the first time since you were born and saw this message: "It has been 100 days since you gave birth". I could not believe it. The time has gone by so quickly and I can say, without hesitation that it has been the greatest 100 days of my whole life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to your Papa and I and I don't think you will ever know just how loved you are. 

     Right now, you sleep in a baby hammock that hangs over the side of Mama and Papa's bed so that when you cry at night, I can just sit up and put you in bed with us. With Papa sleeping next to us, I hold you to my breast with your tiny head cradled in the palm of my hand and you eat, staring up at me in the dim amber glow of our nightlight. It is silent except for the soft sounds of you and your Papa breathing. I know that you won't remember these times we spent together but they are the defining moments of my life so far. 

     Sometimes, I cry, overcome with the love that I feel for both of you, for our little family and for the first time in my whole life I know- this is where I want to be forever. There is a part of me that feels sad when I think that there will be a day, not too far in the future, when I can't cradle your head in the palm of my hand anymore, when I won't be able to soothe your cries or stop your tears by putting you to my breast. But, mostly, I am just excited to watch you grow and see you become your own person. Here are some of the things I want to remember about your first 100 days.

What we call you: 

Papa calls you KayaBear, Kelsey calls you Bubba and Boogaloo, Mama calls you all kinds of silly things like Monster, Baby Bunkins, Bunks and Bunk-a-Lunks and sometimes we call you The Furious One

Things you love: 

Bright lights (especially the one in Sissy's bathroom where you sit in her sink and stare at yourself in the mirror. On hot days, we fill the sink with water and you kick your feet in the water and laugh), Loud noises and music (especially listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival and dancing with Papa to James Brown), going for drives and walks in your stroller and, lately, playing with your rattle

I can't wait for the next 100 days, sweet girl. I love you.

Mama