I love Christmas. I am ridiculously, cornily, excessively excited by the entire holiday season. We just started decorating yesterday and we bought our first few presents. I am disappointed that I never wrote an entry on here about last Christmas because it was definitely one to remember and one that Kaya was very much a part of.
I was 9 months pregnant, I had to go to the OB-GYN the day before we left for Oregon to be examined, just to make sure that I wasn't going to have the baby in the van on the freeway in the snow. My due date had originally been February 4th then changed to January 27th but it was only December 22 so I wasn't overly concerned.
I was still working full time, walking a mile and a half from the bus stop to Morris' everyday and taking him all over Los Angeles County by bus, train, subway and paratransit. I was determined to go on this trip because I knew it would be the last one I would ever take as a childless person, with responsibilities for no one but myself. So, I went to the doctor to get the final okay and was told that I was cleared to travel, we would both be fine BUT this was not a February 4th baby or even a January 27th baby, this baby is coming the first week of January". Wow.
Okay, so the next night, I get off work early- at 9pm and Kelsey and Kirk come and pick me up. We leave for Oregon with the dog and the cat in the minivan with us. By the middle of the night, it was freezing and dark and we were in the middle of no where and it started to snow. We really couldn't see very well so we decided to exit at the next ramp to put the chains on the tires. That wasn't as easy as it sounded as the ramp road hadn't been cleared and was covered in deep snowbanks. We drifted right into one and got completely stuck. There was absolutely nothing that we could do to get out of the snow and HELLO I WAS 9 MONTHS PREGNANT SO USELESS. Long story short, 2 calls to 911, one helpful Cal-Trans trucker and 8 hours later, we got back on the road. And, just when we thought that we were on our merry way- we got a flat tire.
Sidelined again, we waited on the side of the road for a tow truck mechanic. 22 hours later, we arrived in magical, snow-blanketed Sunriver and it was all worth it. I couldn't enjoy it like I usually did, definitely no sledding or skiing. I mostly stayed in and ate and read true crime novels that I had gotten from the Burbank Public Library.
We had a beautiful holiday, it snowed the whole time, there were long icicles hanging from the roofs and balconies. My mom always decorates the whole house with the same decorations and ornaments that I remember from all the Christmases in Sunriver from my childhood. We were all there- my parents, Kels, Kirk and Amy and Kaya was so much WITH me- heavy and active and kicking and twisting and shoving at my ribcage. I knew she wanted out and I agreed- it was just about time. I was so excited to meet her.
Most, if not all of my presents last year were things for her because I was just MAD with the whole experience and anticipation of pregnancy and HER. I couldn't really think about and didn't much care about anything else. Getting all the wee clothes and shoes and bottles, I was about to burst with joy and excitement but, I was brought back to earth by the fact that Shaun was in Tucson working on a movie, very far away.
I wished that we could have spent our first Christmas as a family but we promised that next year, her first Christmas, we would be together. Anyway, here are some kinda blurry pics but they accurately depict the massive proportions that I had last year at this time. Imagine that body in a mini van with 2 siblings, a dog and a cat in a blizzard for 22 hours.
And it was still the merriest Christmas I have ever had.
But, she kind of had mixed emotions about the whole bubble bath experience.
Here is some more Kaya doing assorted cute things over the past few days:
Just in the last couple of days, she has figured out how to use her walker toy to actually walk!
Reading with Papa in her bedroom (which she sleeps in all by herself all night every night! Finally! Yay!).
Sometimes, she looks so much like her dad that it freaks me out. This photo is one of those times.
Every single day, several times a day, Kaya yanks all the books she can reach off the shelf and throws them on the ground. Picking them up and reshelving them starts to feel like a Sisyphus-ian task.
This face makes it all totally worth it.
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You are growing up so fast, it's fun and amazing and scary and sad all at the same time. Every single day, you are more of a kid and less of a baby. You do things that I had no idea that you knew how to do practically on an hourly basis. I watch you crawl to the edge of the bed and I gasp and start running toward you to catch you and break your fall but you just look at me like "what?" and swing your legs over the edge, gently lowering yourself to the floor. I have to admit that sometimes when things like this happen, I start to feel sad and I force you to nurse, even if you just ate or aren't hungry at all. I just need to prove to myself that you are still a baby, that you still need me. And then you will lay in my arms, at my breast, staring up at me and if I just look at your face and ignore your long, chubby body that doesn't even fit in my lap anymore, you are my tiny little newborn again. All is right with the world for a few minutes, I feel strong and maternal, I reassure myself that even if you aren't hungry, my breastmilk is important- that you need the antibodies, it's flu season, you haven't been vaccinated- whatever I need to tell myself to almost start to believe that this is for you, not me. But, inevitably, you will start to pull at my necklace and put your fingers in my nose and mouth, losing interest in the task at hand. You will unlatch and roll off of my lap, "byebye mama" you say, crawling away. I try not to cry. My baby. What happened to my tiny little baby? I love you little girl. Today and every day, even when you're old and gray.
